Never Date a Lawyer - Francesca

So, a little back story. I met a guy when I was in college...he was in his last year as I was in my first...we worked together, and got along but weren't close. He was the one who taught me all about punk rock, and I developed a little crush on him. Nothing ever happened, since he graduated and moved away, and I'd only see him a couple times a year. Fast forward seven years later...and I discover he's moved to a nearby town to go to law school. Odd, how when you move 2,000 miles from home, how many people you find that are also nearby...but anyway. We hang out a few times, and things are fun. It's nice to have someone around who isn't bored by my stories from back in Colorado, since he knows what I refer to. It was all platonic...we both had significant others, so I didn't even think about acting on the crush that was still there. A few months later, we went to a Slayer show together. We became separated from his friends, and ended up just the two of us at the edge of the pit. The second he put his hand on my back (to "protect" me, apparently), I knew something was there. As the show came to a close, I got ready to leave, but was stopped since he was missing some people in his party. I ended up walking the streets of Providence with him as he gathered his band of friends...and once we'd found them all, the buses running to his area had stopped. It was 2 a.m., in the middle of winter, so I drove them all home. Getting to his house last, I ask if I can crash on the couch, since I'm entirely too tired to drive the remainder of the trip back to my house. Going upstairs, we drink a few more beers and start talking and reminiscing about the past...and then get into him informing me he has been as infatuated with me as I was with him for the past seven years. The next time I look at the clock, it's almost 7 a.m., and we've been talking all night. I leave before anything bad can happen, but a seed was planted. In the next two weeks, we end up breaking off our other relationships to be with each other...and the passion was amazing. I had finally met someone who wanted to put in as much energy into the relationship as I did...and I started looking forward to the future we would share. I mean, he said everything right, met my mother, introduced me to all his friends, took me on amazing weekend trips...I was giddy. But then, overnight, it all changed. He suddenly became distant and sullen. I tried to find out what was wrong, but he kept saying it was nothing...and I just chalked it up to finals stress. We ended up going away together for a long weekend, and it was the most uncomfortable time of my life. He wouldn't talk to me or look at me. He pouted and ignored me. I kept trying to make the best of it, but when you are given that to work with, not much is going to happen. The inevitable happened a few days after getting back...he'd made up his mind that we weren't future material. This, from the commitment-phobe. He said he'd tried to give me another chance to change his mind on our weekend away. Had I known I needed to consistantly audition for the role of future girlfriend, I would have walked away from the part at the start...but to no avail. He said that as a future lawyer, he needed a certain type of person for his future, and I wasn't it...he makes gut decisions on black and white standards, and my version of grey was not cutting it. Now, anyone who has ever met a lawyer knows this, but you can't win an argument with them. So, I accepted his decision and left him confused and upset that I wasn't willing to fight for him to change his mind. Now, I'm sorry, but I'm of the "black and white" school of thought where if someone doesn't want to be with you, you don't want to be with them. Lawyers...constant control freaks and use bizarre conceptual ideas to run away from anything that may detract them from their microcosm of a life. But, on the bright side, I totally saw this coming...I had even bought and read a book about breakups before he'd come over...it was easier to get over than the breakups that just broadside you.

I feel a draft-Natasha

So unlike Francesca, I am still engulfed in the hideous world of dating. Over the past few years, I have tried to open my horizons and look at people and not only physical appearances, it never really worked, so I'm going back to my roots. My tag line is "you must be this tall to ride this ride" and I'm only 5'8" maybe a little more, so it shouldn't be that hard to find a guy 5'10" or taller. I've always found myself attracted to tall guys with light eyes... I don't know everyone has there thing right? Well, about a two weeks ago I met this guy, He was really attractive (1/2 Italian 1/2 Dominican, about 6'2 with green eyes) Totally fit into the "type" category, we talk every night for about a week, and plan to go out to dinner on a Thursday night. He lives in Boston, so I tell him I will go there so that we have more of a selection on what to do. So I break out the trusty GPS, and head into the Ghetto (apparently he doesn't live in the Italian part of town... great, locked doors.... check) I get to his house after about 15 left turns with the GPS, I'm thinking to myself... "Look kids Big Ben, Parliament" and he hops in so can show me where to park my brand new car... after a few more lefts... gotta love Boston streets. My car is parked behind his house. I hear people yelling and playing Domino's... "Oh geez, what did I get myself into now" He says he will drive, and opens my car door... Bonus point for chivalry :) When I get in his car, not only does he have a club on the steering wheel, he has the kind of club for the pedal. I ask him, if I should take some precautions for my own car, he assures me that it will be fine. Ok, I drive an 07 Civic, the most stolen car in America, I'm parking in the ghetto and you're telling me I don't need a club, or even offering to let me borrow yours till we get back. Chivalry point gone, looks like we are back to an even playing field. We had to the Cheesecake factory for dinner, He opens doors, pulls out my chair, looks at my eyes not my chest while talking... again bringing him above the average date I've been on lately. When dinner is was over we discussed what to do... it was 100 fing degree's so we decide to go to his house and watch a movie in the ac... he was very respectful, we just kinda relaxed and talked. Then a few drinks later, I decided that he deserved a little kiss... (chivalry and liquor works wonders, take a note on that one boys) We end up making out for a few minutes... when he gets a little to into it... and smacks my butt.... ok, not something I was to comfortable about on a first date, but whatev.... a few minutes later he does it again... this time... he immediately stops kissing me, and is like... OMFG, i just made your pants rip.... WOAH you did what, my favorite pair of jeans... i know you were into it... but come on... I suddenly feel a draft so I immediately run to try and find a mirror... OK, not to bad, but its time for me to go, so it won't get worse on the way home... His comment to me was, I'm so sorry, what size are you and I will go and replace them... nice thought, but never ask a women her weight or size, (again please take notes on that men) my comment to him was thanks for dinner, I'll call you... two weeks later, jeans have been replaced, and so has the guy.... LOL

Never Date a Co-worker - Francesca

I was working a throwaway job growing up...one of those jobs that has no real responsibility, and you're really just there for the employee discount. But, although it required very little mental acuity to work in a department store, we had a few days of training. It wasn't bad...they paid us to just sit around, and there was a cute guy in the training group. I managed to talk to him whenever we had breaks, and he was nice, tall, cute and my age (difficult to find in what turned to be a crazy retail store). After training, we were let loose to our departments. We worked in neighboring areas....me in Juniors, him in Young Mens. I thought on the first day I'd sneak over and say hi to him...but he was "shadowing" another person in the department, another guy our age. Now, Derrick may have been the same age as John and myself, but he wasn't someone I'd normally hang with. He was kinda nerdy not in a good way, not very attractive and short. But he wasn't that bad, so I would talk to him when I'd go over to talk to John, so he wouldn't feel ignored. Now, this was back in the day, when I was a really nice person, to the point of my detriment. I thought we were all just friends, so when Derrick asked if I wanted to catch a movie after an afternoon shift, I thought nothing of it. Now, the next part got a bit fuzzy...not due to alcohol, but just because I don't really understand how it happened.

I thought we were going to the movies as friends...but somehow after the movie, he informed everyone we were dating...and I didn't say anything to the contrary. That would be the tone of our short lived....relationship? Whatever it was...it probably shouldn't have happened. Derrick was the kind of guy who didn't have luck with girls, and, I may be presumptuous, I thought my rejecting him would make work awkward, especially since I was trying to flirt with John. So I went with it. I still feel bad, since I know Derrick really liked me. I guess I attracted the crazies with attachment issues when I was younger. I really knew that I wasn't that interested in him, but...again, too nice to break it off. Things got a bit dicey when he had a tearful revelation that he loved me...and started the wonderful pressure of "taking things to the next level." I knew I had to end it...he was getting the special touch of crazy that followed me throughout my teens, but he managed to give me a gift before I broke it off. Now, a lot of girls like jewelry. But I hate my birthstone...it's orange and ugly. And the store we worked at sold the very low quality jewelry. So, when I got birthstone earrings from Derrick that I knew for a fact were purchased at the store we worked at...I had to end it. I didn't know what to do with the earrings, so I held onto them for a couple weeks, then went to return them. Lucky for me, Derrick had transferred departments...to the returns department. Even better, I was with a new boyfriend, and he was working. I returned the earrings and took the store credit to buy a sexy new outfit for the new boyfriend...I think I just realized when I stopped being nice and started being bitchy. At least something was solved.

Never Move for a Guy - Francesca

Although I have been burned a few times, and had terrible dating experiences, I am a hopeless romantic at heart. I tend to fall fast and hard if I meet someone I really connect with. I tend to be a little too free-spirited at times, which can lead to amazing things and trouble. In this case, it was both.

I was flying to Boston for my first time to go to my cousin's wedding. Not only was I excited to head out to an amazing city, but I was flying in on St. Patrick's Day...this would be my first official St. Paddy's Day as an adult (at 21 I lived overseas, at 22, I was on Spring Break and was already too drunk to notice). I was so excited. So, I didn't really know anyone there except for family, but I'm outgoing and can make friends as I go. After trying to get free drinks on the flight...to no success...we land and get to our hotel. I inform my parents that I'm going out in Boston, and I'll be back later. To this day, I really don't know why they never tried to stop me, but, I guess we'll never know. I end up in the center of Boston at 10 p.m., a really late time to start drinking. There are lines everywhere, and I soon discover it's one in-one out at all the popular bars. Lines really give you an opportunity to make friends, and I quickly adopted myself into a group of people, and informed them it was their responsibility to make sure I had fun. We bar hopped, talked, and just had a good time in general. I couldn't stop talking to one person in particular...he was really cute and interesting. Joe and I spent a lot of time talking that night, and he offered to drive me back to my hotel, which was nice since it was about a $50 cab ride away. We spent the rest of the weekend together, but I figured it was just a weekend fling.

After I got back to Denver, we continued to talk everyday, and I was completely infatuated. I'd been trying to find a job and move somewhere, anywhere, and I decided to focus my search on the Boston area. All I knew was that I wasn't happy being so far away from Joe. A couple weeks later, he was out in Denver to visit me, and I was scheduling job interviews in Massachusetts. I ended up landing a job that sounded cool, and found out I had two weeks to pack my life, find a place to live, and get myself out there. It was going so fast, but I was caught up in all the excitement.

Now, uprooting your life and moving somewhere where you don't know anyone is hard. I had prepared myself, but didn't realize how difficult it would be to go from a place I'd lived my whole life to a place where I didn't even know where anything was. I leaned on Joe for support, but the good times we had were overshadowed by the fights. I needed to be more independent, but he got upset when I went out alone. I hadn't seen the jealous side of him before. I tried to make things work, but I was homesick and felt pretty lonely. He didn't want to change his life for me, and things got rockier. After a few months, I couldn't take it anymore. I knew he was cheating on me, and I spent all the energy I could have used making friends and going places fighting with him. It was the most painful breakup I have ever had. I had no one to turn to...all my friends back home only told me to move back. I was completely lost...luckily I had found reasons other than him to stay. Moving is never easy, but to base it on a fleeting feeling...it is a recipe for disaster.

Never Date Your Neighbor's Friends - Francesca

I had recently moved into a new multi-family house, and had some really cool housemates. They were young, and always invited me to their cookouts. I'd gone to a few of their parties, but I'd been dating someone during that time. It was days after getting out of an intense relationship when they invited me to another rager. I needed to let loose, so I was excited. I usually had a pretty good time, so I immediately accepted. Now, from my history, I can get slightly crazy when I'm just out of a relationship, so I was going to try to take it easy. Yeah, right. Now, I'm normally an outgoing person, and when I am in crazy party mode, I become friends with everyone. I was hanging out having a few, and started talking to Mark, a friend of my neighbor/landlord. We were having a great conversation, and moved it to the lower balcony when some people at the party decided to yell their rants to the world. I was really enjoying Mark's company, and after a few drinks, he was starting to look okay to me. The night began to wind down, and I was tired of getting attacked by mosquitoes, so we went inside to keep talking and drinking. The more I drank, the more attractive he got. We reached the inevitable point where he leaned in for a kiss. I know we'd been drinking all night, but if you want to make a move like that, you may want to prep with a piece of gum, a breath mint...anything to mask the fact that you have been drinking, smoking, and eating some form of rotting garbage. But it wasn't just his breath...he was a horrible kisser. Now, I'll give him a pass on the lack of talent, as we had been drinking for about six hours. But these things combined with the recent breakup made me really not want to continue kissing him. I sent him on his way, knowing that although he was too drunk to drive, my neighbor had a couch with his name on it.

This is where the story got interesting. I have a lot of guy friends, and I know they sometimes like to elaborate on their hookups. I hadn't even considered the consequences of such a thing at the time. I suddenly noticed that my neighbor was acting weird towards me, looking at me with a smirk and not really talking to me anymore. After some prodding with his girlfriend, the truth came out. Mark had created a very elaborate story that he spread around as to what had happened. No big deal, I don't really care about it, but the awkwardness with my neighbor and landlord was something that did bother me. Not only that, but within days, Mark had been hired on at the local liquor store, which I go to a bit...and his schedule was whenever I was thirsty. I tried to shake up the times I'd go in, but he was always there. I still don't know how to tell him he was as terrible a kisser as the Mormons in high school, with breath that would make anyone run away screaming. The awkwardness eventually wore off, but I have learned that I will never try to date a landlord's friend, especially if they're your neighbor, because you'll never escape the memory of a failed adventure.

Dinner for Airplay - Francesca

I recently worked as an unpaid helper monkey for a local radio station. It was a great time, and I had some good friends there, so working for free wasn't that big of a deal. I ended up getting paid in CDs and concerts. But as I was there, I realized one thing: I'd never dated a musician. Now, I was pretty excited, as I was meeting lots of musicians every week, so I set out to accomplish the task of dating one of them. Let's face it, we all want someone to be so moved by us that they write a song about it. Granted, most of these songs are about breakups, but, whatever. My motives were not pure, but I figured if I was going to be hanging out with a lot of musicians, it wouldn't hurt to date one. I met one guy, Greg, from a very mediocre local band. I mean, he barely qualified, and he was a drummer, so...{insert drummer joke here}. But I figured it was a step in the right direction. He was kinda cute, and we'd been hanging out for a bit, so going on a date seemed like an okay idea. He picked me up, and really tried to impress me by taking me to the Olive Garden (look, people, I don't care where you live, there is always better Italian than the Olive Garden. And it's always packed...I don't really get it). Conversation was fairly good throughout, and I managed to have an okay time despite having terrible food. I was so excited...a good date amongst so many bad ones. We finished our dinner, and he was on the way back to my place to drop me off. As soon as we got in the car, he turned to me...this was the moment...the night had been building up, and I felt some butterflies as he tilted his head and turned in. But instead of coming closer, he just whispered "Now that I've taken you out, you have to play my CD on the radio." This was the weirdest form of "payment" for dinner that I've ever heard of...and all I could do was laugh and lie. "I'll see what I can do." Well, that wasn't really a lie. I did discover I have the ability to completely shatter a CD against a wall when thrown in the style of a boomerang. It's quite remarkable. And I do count my blessings, because seeing how musicians date after the face, I'm glad I was totally turned off of them from the first date. And thanks to the terrible date, Strata never received airplay and broke up a few months later due to frustration nothing was moving forward. I don't want to take all the credit, they really were a horrible band.

Crazy eyes and gimpy hands-Natasha

My first word of advice if your going to try this whole online dating thing, GET A PICTURE FROM ALL ANGLES...... I started talking to this guy Adam online, he seemed really cool, so I gave him my number and we started chatting. We planned on meeting up a few night later. He said that he was in IT and thinking about starting his own business. He didn't mention that he was un-employed. The day we plan to hang out I talk to him around noon and he says that he's broke, can we we go dutch... Hey guys, you invite a girl out on a first day, you are SUPPOSED to pay. Anyway, I was like F it, how bad can it be. I go to meet him, and he is standing outside of the car with some cheesy 7-11 flowers (I know its the thought that counts.... right, only if I actually like you) So he gets in my car... kinda funky smelling... (carni-cabbage type of smell) Then he goes to talk to me when we are driving to go get dinner, and I notice his right eye... ok, OMFG is he even looking at me, the right eye is pointing out the passenger side window and the left is staring at me, I actually got the creepy-crawlies from that... (to his credit he looked ok in pics from the left side) but DUDE you could've mentioned the eye, that's something you obviously can't hide. So I need to figure out how to get the freak of nature out of my car, so I fake sick before even getting to the restaurant. We get back to the area where the car is.... He asks if I'm really sick, or if i'm faking... Hmm, I don't know... we made it 4mins into our date and I'm bailing even before the rescue call from Francesca... yeah I must be REALLY sick. So I drop him off, and he tries to hug me, I go for the hand shake instead, but his hand is gimpy. It felt like I was grasping onto to a dying fish, slippery and wriggling... poor kid, better luck with the next women you try to fool. Maybe you could find a nice girl that wears a helmet.

Moving to College - Francesca

Well, looking back, I've had some doozies of bad dates in the recent past. But I feel this blog is missing out on some of the terrible relationship stories I have to tell as well. So, as I take a break from some first dates (my liver is about to quit), I'll reminisce about the relationships I am so glad are over.

David is one of the people I'm most happy to not be dating. He was a really nice guy, with serious abandonment issues. I mean, we dated when I was a high school senior, and within two weeks had declared his undying love for me. I was moved by someone who was so into me, and I was 18...I really didn't know any better. I continued dating him, pushing off talks of marriage, because, let's face it, I was 18 and I did know better. I thought the relationship would fade the fall after high school, as I was going to college in another area code, and he wasn't. Little did I know that he had other plans...he told me a week before I was to move up to college that he had just signed a year lease for an apartment in the same town. Well, it was a nice gesture, and I didn't know if I wanted to break up with him, but I did know I wouldn't handle a long distance relationship.

Fast forward to the first week of classes...I'm on a campus of 26,000. By my math, that's almost 13,000 guys, most of them between the ages of 18 and 25. I haven't been in the vicinity of this many people before...and I see there are many options of other guys out there...my eyes are opened! It really was too bad for David that he chose this particular day to seal his fate by proposing to me. My reaction was just like something out of a movie. I pointed, laughed, and told him I wanted to be single again. Now, some may say this was harsh, but the results of the next few months proved it to be appropriate.

Did I mention we worked together at a department store, and that he was my ride, since I didn't have a car and the store was 7 miles away? Because that was the case. So not only was I forced to still face him, I had to befriend some other people pretty quick to get to and from work. This resulted in three male coworkers going totally postal and thinking that by giving me a ride home or to work on occasion meant we were dating, and almost resulted in a massive fight in the break room. I quit the next day. But that wasn't really David's fault. The fact that he created new regulations for my dorm to lock doors, since he'd come in wandering trying to "build a friendship instead", or the fact that he would call consistently at 2 a.m. drunk, made the entire situation unpleasant. Now, I could understand a rough breakup for a couple that had been together for years, but for three months? Even I'm not arrogant enough to think I warrant that kind of response.

The moral of the story...when the guy is clingy in the first week, it is a warning sign. Don't let this happen to you or your friends...cut them loose. The sooner, the better, since a week is still a long relationship to them.

Disappearing Man - Francesca

I don't know if this counts, but this was the most bizarre date I've had in awhile. This one requires a bit of background first. I met Jeremy when I was thirteen at an amusement park. My best friend at the time and I saw Jeremy and his brother, and immediately connected. The big problem was that they lived about an hour away and in another area code, which made communication pretty difficult. Jeremy was the first boy I fell in love with...we would keep in contact sporadically throughout the years. Time passed, and we got older...but we were never in sync romantically. I had a boyfriend when he was single, he had a girlfriend when I was single...so there was always a wistful strain. He understood a part of me very few people ever saw. It is true what they say-you never forget your first love. So, imagine my surprise when I found out he was in town for his job right after I become single. I'm not stupid, a lot of time has passed, and we are both very different people. Who knows if that spark is still there? But still, I agree to meet up, for old time's sake. Meeting him, I feel a rush of emotion...is it for real, or is it just the nostalgia? Either way, it's intense, and he seems to be feeling it as well. We talk for hours, catching up on the last decade...wow, has it been that long? Am I really this old? But we continue to talk, and realize it's now 3 a.m. All the talking has worn us out, and we end up falling asleep next to each other. It's really nice, to be able to reconnect with someone from so long ago, to feel this excitement again. I'm jolted from my sleep at 7, when my alarm goes off...I just have to run into work to take care of a few things, but have the day off otherwise. I wake Jeremy to let him know that he can keep sleeping, and I'll be back in half an hour. I don't think I've ever worked so fast...I zipped through everything, making it back to my place within 25 minutes. I open the door and run to my room, eager to crawl into bed again...but it's empty. On the pillow is a note...he said he was sorry, but had to leave, and would call me as soon as he got back home. Confused, I try calling his cell phone...not only is there no answer, but it has no voicemail. I wait, hoping there is a logical explanation...and have yet to hear from him. I've never been so happy to have not hooked up with anyone in my life, but I still wonder...what happened? It's so surreal, to have felt such a connection before, yet he disappeared literally within half an hour. I'd think I dreamt the whole thing, but I have this note as proof.

Highway Exit - Francesca

I was really excited about my next date. Bryant and I had been talking for awhile, and really seemed to be clicking. He likes the same movies as me, and is into the rock and roll as well. I felt pretty good about our meeting up...he was tall, dark and handsome, and we hadn't run out of things to talk about. The start of the date was surprising...we met up at the usual Beer City (still haven't been ratted out by the staff, but the bartender did laugh as I came in to meet another guy. We had a few drinks, some food, and the date was flowing rather nicely. We decided to go see a movie, but the one I wanted to see was a sequel, and he hadn't seen the previous movie. Bryant suggested that we rent the movie he hadn't seen, and schedule another date to see the one I wanted to see. It sounded like a good time, and I led the way to the video store. After he paid for the movie, he started to follow me to my place. I made sure he wasn't getting lost, but got concerned when I saw him take the onramp to the highway instead of following me. Then, my phone started ringing...something had "come up" and he was sorry...no other explanation. I'm not too judgemental, and figured it was something important. After a few days, I hadn't heard from him, so I decided to give him a call. No answer, no return call. Well, at least I had the movie....from the video store with the massive late fees. Call me vindictive, but I'm keeping it. Oddly enough, I did get a text from him (oh, the damn texting) three weeks later...on a Tuesday at 2 in the afternoon, saying he was at Foxwoods, and I should come down right then. Yeah, dude, that's going to happen.

Text Wars - Francesca

Wow...technology has allowed for a whole new level of crazy. I met Tomas online, and he seemed cute. He was my age, kinda funny, and, well, I don't have a lot of criteria for a first date. I am trying to write about the worst dating experiences possible, but Tomas...he brought the game to a whole new level. We had exchanged emails for a couple days, and started talking on the phone. He seemed nice enough, so we set up a meeting. (I've found myself at Brew City many times in the last week...each time on a different date. I really hope the bar staff doesn't give me away) The day of the date, he begins to text me at work. This is fine, as I'm bored. I mean, I write this while there....so, it was something to keep me entertained. It was fun...for about 5 minutes. He sent me 25 text messages in an hour. To his credit, I replied about 3 times. It may have been seen as encouragement. I should have seen the warning flags of crazy, but I am a glutton for punishment. I want to see how bad these dates can get. By the time I'm leaving to meet him, he's texted me almost 100 times. Persistence is one thing, showing interest is another, but this one smelled a little too crazy. But, public place, free beer....like I was going to stay home. I get to the bar, and he doesn't look crazy...he's actually kind of cute. I am a sucker for a clean-shaven guy with dark eyes. We start to hit it off, and I suggest that he may be too addicted to texting. He laughs it off saying he's just bored at work and wanted to know me better. Playing to the ego is key...and it works. We decide to grab some dinner at a Thai place he loves, and that goes pretty well...good food, conversation continues, and he's a good tipper. At this point, I'm at a loss...I'm having a good time, but I don't really want to keep drinking. He suggests that we watch a movie...sounds good. But not at his house, he doesn't have a place to watch a movie, since he lives with his aunt, so can we watch at my place? I agree, but he wants to pick the movie up first...and grabs a stand up special. I love comedy, so this seems fine. He then drops me off at my car, which has been blocked in by the genius of the parking attendant, who has also forgotten to get the keys to move it...I have to wait about 10 minutes to get out. In the meantime, Crazy McGee has started driving in the direction of my house. He has no idea where he needs to go, but couldn't wait until I was able to lead. He calls me, lost, about 5 minutes after I get going, and refuses to wait for me to catch up. My frustration level has been reached, but I kinda want to watch the special. I eventually meet up with him and we go into my house, only to discover this is the WORST comedy special of all time. I mean, I know swearing happens...it can be used to point out a punchline or make a point. I swear, comedians swear, whatever. But when every sentence swears at least once, it ceases to be funny. To make the night less funny, in the middle of the special, Tomas turns to me and asks me what we're going to do. I'm not sure exactly what he means...I mean, I think I know...but...he can't, right? Wrong. I'm informed that if I am going to invite a guy back to my house (he invited himself) on the first date, I should really expect to put out, because that's what the guy will expect. I make it very clear that I have no intention of even looking at him anymore, much less touching him or doing anything...and he storms out of the house. Phew...got rid of him. Or not. Five minutes later, I get a text....When are we hanging out again? I ignore it. I turn on my computer later on...he's emailed me. And then my IM pops up...he's messaging me. I tell him in all three mediums that I am not interested and that I wish him luck...not to be outdone, he texts me....173 times over the next 2 days. There are some levels of crazy I just don't want to deal with.

Don't date a man named Josh-Natasha

Once again, I fell into the trap of dating a Josh. This is the 3rd Josh in 2 years, that turned out to be a schmuck.
Lets start at the beginning shall we... Jan 06- Josh 1 was a breath of fresh air (at least for a few month's) He seemed when I met him, to be what I was looking for, so I admit, I jumped in head first. The first night we met, we hung out until about 3 am, My friend Deb and I went to the local hang out, and played a few games of pool. Now I'm not the girl who has guys hitting on me everywhere I go, so I was kinda shocked when Josh and his friend Mike came up to us. We ended up hanging out all night Deb and Mike, fooling around in the kitchen and Josh playing guitar and just talking with me. It seemed like we had loads in common and it was really nice, to not feel like an object, we began to see each other regularly, which then turned into almost everyday.
After a few month's things kinda started to change, it almost seemed like he was trying to buy my affection and he became kinda shady when I had to leave and not sleep over (the whole responsibility thing, job, child) So one night he cooked me this fabulous dinner, and I was sitting in the living room listening to music and kinda relaxing in my food coma, mind you I was sitting on the couch, and I felt something jab into my back.... really tacky girls sunglasses.... wtf... I'm not the jealous type... but those def aren't mine... white fake knock off Gucci, please I may broke, but at least I have class... anyway... I didn't say anything, I just put them on the shelf of the bookcase, so he would have to see them (and most importantly know that I saw them), and wait for him to say something about it... 3 days (of course I was holding out in the relations dept, oh I have a headache, blah blah blah, he should've known because I think like a dude when it comes to sex... that something was def wrong) and nothing... so, I finally bring it up, and he has the audacity to tell me that, OUR friend Paula left them... Paula is not my friend, she is the town skank, but he tells me she was there with this guy bob she has been banging so I let it go (come to find out later... LIE... they banged)
So this is where it gets interesting.... we go away to Portsmouth for our anniversary "woo hoo 4 mos go us" I set up a sitter so we can stay over night, and we have a great time, we go to dinner at the Portsmouth Brewery, and go to play pool at a local dive bar. We end up hanging with another couple that were there, since neither one of us can keep our mouth shut, we become buds and end up partying at this couples house until 3am. Not smart, since I have tickets to opening day for the Red Sox in the morning... So the asshole gets all hammered and wouldn't wake up, I needed to leave the hotel by 9am, I finally get him out of there at 11am, I have to rush home, drop him off, pick up Kelly and be to Fenway by 2pm.... ha ha, how did I make it... I don't know I just did, only problem is, forgot my ID and my money... oops again, Kelly is pissed cuz she has to buy my hungover ass, some water so I don't pass out... I get home from the game, and tell him (who has been asleep all day) that I'm not coming over tonight, I'm going to crash early.... the bastard cheated on me that night with my friends sister.... needless to say that relationship was done... I swore that day I would never date a josh again... that lasted until...

Nov. 06 Josh 2- I met Josh online from this site called POF, we talked off and on for month's and then finally decided to hang out... he was really nice, and kinda cute in a goofy hippie kind of way... so we start hanging out... (even though he didn't even pay on the first date.... schmuck) Everything is going good for a bit and then him and his roommates decide to come up from Leominster and go to the bar Milly's to watch the pats playoff game, when the arrive they are already hammered and Josh, starts acting like a complete fool, throwing chairs, yelling at the waitress.... his roomies, start talking to chicks, so I play wingman, and tell the girls how great they are, you can tell I'm a salesperson, because I was lying though my teeth... the bar ends up closing right when the game ended so we decide to find somewhere else to go... only problem, one of the chicks has a fake ID, and her fake is the old ID of one of the others... NICE.... so we end up at this place called the red arrow... dive dinner, prob has roaches... I decided to make the best of it... that is until Josh picked a fight with one of the chicks and she smacked him... needless to say we needed to leave... Apparently, his roomate Jay wanted to stay with the chick and I got stuck driving them all home to Leominster on a work night... woo hoo go me, on the way home jay starts calling my phone... the girls car got trashed and she said Josh did it... in my mine it didn't seem possible because he was outside alone for about 2 mins tops... well I break up with him, because he drinks to much... go on a little bender myself and then think... hmm maybe I was to hard on him, so I give him another chance after he bombards me with endless phone calls, emails and mix tapes (well cd's, but same thing) We date again for a few weeks, and he starts getting all possessive... like trying to make sure no dudes talk to me when I try to go the bathroom at a concert... then even a few days later.... admitting to not only going through my phone but actually deleting numbers while I'm sleeping... needless to say... Josh #2 is down for the count.... (after the fact he admitting to completely destroying that girls wind shield... how the hell did his fat ass run that fast... geez)

This lead us to last week, there is this guy, lets call him Josh #3 that I've known for a few years... we have alot of friends in common and have talked at parties on occasion. Well, we are at someones bday party and he mentions that he doesn't want to leave yet, I know he recently moved, and when he says he only lives like 7 miles away, I tell him, I will drive him home if he wants to hang for longer... he is extremely gratefull... we end up leaving the party around 12 I drive him home, and on the way, I make my usually comment about "The only guys that ever hit on me are ethnic, 60 or married" and Josh says, "Why your gorgeous, I would hit on you if I thought it would get me anywhere" We end up talking for about 45 mins at his house, and when he gets out to leave... he kisses me... sweetly... I end up kissing him again, and we make plans for the next night... The next night I go and take care of some previous engagements, and meet up with him around 10ish, its hella hot so we sit outside, he plays guitar (again I'm a sucker for musicians) and we end up going swimming... by about 1, we decide to go "hangout" inside... I end up staying for awhile, but about 3, its too hot to sleep, so I decide to go home to my nice a/c'd house... he says that we should actually DO something tomorrow, like dinner or the beach, go on a real date... he didn't call, not sat, or sunday but had the balls to send me a text last night saying, "I can't go to the sox game on tues with you, because i'm going out of town for work and will not be back until the 20th" Ok, soooo DONE, you know that is a bold face lie, if he can't even pick up the fucking phone and say it... sending messages like that through text is completely lame... remember buddy, your the one who went after me, your the one who asked me to hang out sat, I would've been completely fine with the normal.. "Thanks for hanging, we should do it again sometime" Josh#3, don't bother calling when you get back from Maine, I will have already moved on, See ya around kid.... Have fun at your ex's this week... or should I say... "working"

Natasha's Intro

So... where do I begin... Lets start way back long long ago shall we... Once upon a time in the far away land of southern NH, there was a girl born who was a glutton for punishment. She fell in love with the prince, who turned into the ugliest nastiest toad ever... the girl finally wised up after 5 years and a almost non-existent engagement and left the toad, and this is where the dating story will begin.
When my friend Francesca told me she had started a blog, that I could access freely at work (at least for now) I knew I needed in on it. I've been single for a few years now... small 3-4 month realtionships along the way, but nothing worth holding on to... i'm the fore mentioned friend that had her sign up on a free dating site, only to realize myself that you need to kiss way too many a toads to eventully find a price. (sounds so cliche doesn't it)

Vanilla Man - Francesca

Well, this has been a full weekend. I really am impressed with how I was able to slip back into partying again. I was not, however, ready for how hard this hits me the next day. After the keg party, all I wanted to do was sleep. I was so tempted to break off the date I had last night...I was so tired. But I am determined to fully document the dating world for my generation. That, and I'm really too tired to cook, and this is a guaranteed meal. I'm meeting up with Mike...seems nice enough. I've met this one on that free dating site...so we shall see if it can beat out the winning experiences I've had meeting people in real life. I have talked with him over the phone, and he seems nice...a stable, mature guy who seems to have priorities in order. This is exactly what I'm looking for. While, I do enjoy having fun, I can't see myself going on more than one date with someone still in the college party mentality. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm not able to party like that anymore. I have a job, and I'm feeling old...much older now that I was up all last night, but...yeah. So, Mike, you sound like a good match...we both like music, and were able to talk for an hour earlier in the week.

So, nice guys do not always finish last. Nice guys with zero personality or ability to relate do. I mean, seriously. I haven't hidden who I am...an adventurous person that wants to have fun and experience new things. Apparently, I wasn't that clear with Mike. Okay, so maybe with my upcoming vacation to a metalfest weekend and the fact I've been partying a bit, I talked a little about drinking. But I talked about a lot of things. I had to, since he wasn't saying a word. I really tried to engage him...but to no avail. I mean, his love for music turned into him playing piano and not liking to go out to see shows. His adventurous side fell short...his response to most exciting thing you've done? "I visited South Carolina a few years ago." Now, I may only have been back on the dating scene for a week, but I know when there is absolutely nothing there. So I decide to make the most of it...I mean, I may as well have a good time, and I've realized that I have met another Captain Personality within 15 minutes of the date...just after we've ordered food, but before it has come to the table. So, until I have something to eat, I just drive the conversation...telling him stories of drunken binges, skydiving and bungy jumping weekends, crime sprees, swingers weekends...okay, so some of it wasn't true, but the look on his face was pretty funny. I don't think I've ever seen someone eat mediocre bar food as fast as he did. Unfortunately, I broke my golden rule of dating...I let him pick me up. Since I had no mode of transportation, I was forced to sit with him through the meal, and then have him drive me home. I had really nothing to say to him on the ride back, especially since I discovered he was a TERRIBLE tipper. I mean, seriously, you had a bad date. Don't punish the waitress with a 4 percent tip. That's uncalled for. Luckily, there's no traffic, and I arrive home about 15 minutes later. I do my best polite goodbye, and tell him to give me a call sometime, knowing he won't. But I'm too nice to be an ass. He drives off, and I go inside to collapse and pretend I didn't just waste my time tonight. I decide to check in on emails first, and as I'm replying to a friend, get an email from bad date dude. It reads: "It was nice meeting you, but I really don't think we're a good match. Have a nice life." Okay, so you want the credit for being the uninterested party? Fine...I'll give you that, as it's all you can take away from the date. Man, this is frustrating...the guys that are interesting and responsive are ones I can't see myself spending that much time with, and the potential nice guys are just entirely too vanilla. Another lesson learned-a mediocre date is sometimes worse than a bad date. There's nothing even that funny to be taken away from this one. Better luck next time, I guess.

Lifesavers - Francesca

In an attempt to further widen my dating experiences, I decided to go to a party with some friends. It was with a close friend, but there wouldn't be anyone else I'd know at the party. I'm a pretty outgoing person, so I thought it'd be fun. I hadn't been to a keg party since college, so it would be interesting for sure. The party started slow, and I ended up hanging out with my friend and not really talking to anyone else. As the night progressed, and I drank a bit more, everyone became a lot more social. I started talking to some fun new people, and found one guy in particular to be really fun. We were really clicking, just having fun, but then his girlfriend showed up. Oops...didn't know that. I kept circulating. Since I was the driver of the night, I ended up hanging by the fire and just talking to a few other people. One guy started to stand out to me...he was funny, and after further prodding, definitely not in a relationship. We talked for a long time, as everyone else competed in a beer pong tournament. I didn't realize how late it had gotten when the party was winding down...it was 5 a.m., and the sun was starting to come up. It hit me how tired I was, but I had to drive my now very inebriated friends home. Kevin, the guy I'd been talking to, wanted to keep hanging out. I just needed to crash for an hour or so before I could drive the hour plus back to my place. Unfortunately, my friends have unique living situations, either living with their parents and/or children, or have a lot of cats...so my choices were null. Kevin was nice, and said after I dropped off my friends, I could follow him to crash at his place. It sounded great, and he said after we woke up, we could go out for breakfast. After dropping my friends off, I followed him back to his place and was ready to crash. As soon as I laid down, Kevin decided he wanted to start fooling around. I wasn't really into it, and told him I just needed to sleep first, we could hang out later. He didn't seem to want to go to sleep just yet, and dropped his pants. Now, I'm not one to criticize a guy and his endowments, but, don't whip something out if you have nothing to work with. At first glance, I thought he was holding a roll of Lifesavers...but I quickly realized that he was taking care of business before going to bed...right in front of me. It's okay...I'll just pass out for an hour and be able to drive. I don't want to drive tired, and at this point, I am exhausted. I manage to curl up and doze off, and a couple minutes later, he passes out as well. My sleep is cut very short, as I realize Captain Personality snores so loud, the neighbors must complain. I can't handle it...I just book out of there, glad I realized so many flaws so quickly, and just cut my losses. So, I'm a little tired, but I can make it home. I stay awake laughing at the turn of events of the night, and wonder once more why people look at me weird for meeting people online. Seriously, meeting people in real life is way riskier.

Leg Humper - Francesca

Well, it's been a few days, and no word from Javier...guess things didn't go as well as I thought. It's probably for the best, as I'm not ready for a relationship, but it's still kind of frustrating when you don't hear back. I've taken to deleting phone numbers if I don't talk to someone in a few days, since it's so hard to keep people straight, and it prevents me from accidentally calling someone I don't want to. But last night was an interesting one. I went out with Brad, a guy that is 30, but reminds me more of the guys I knew in college. He was pretty cute, but...that was as far as anything went. He laughed at everything I said, and seemed interested, so I decided it was worth hanging out longer than a couple drinks. We ended up at my place after dinner to watch movies, and I realized we had run out of anything to talk about. But, I am one to make the best of any situation. I am slightly superficial in my dating standards now, and the kid is pretty cute, and I've had a couple drinks, so I decide I may as well make out with him and have fun. Within seconds of kissing him, I wonder why I started. He's a horrible kisser...one of those slobbering types. I thought that by their 30s guys would have had some experience and be better than the kid I kissed on the track outside my junior high when I was 13. To make matters worse, he then started humping my leg. If it's not cute when a dog does it, why in the world would you think it's appropriate on a date? I started to try to wrap it up and be nice about it. Why I still felt an obligation to be polite, I don't know. I really just need to find the need to let people know how terrible of a date they are at the moment, but it's more fun to write about it afterwords. Anyway, I can scratch Brad off as a potential second dater. On to the next first date...

Out of Towner - Francesca

I'm already understanding why some people hate dating. I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. I know it's hard to believe, but it's tough being this charming all the time. I'm actually getting tired of some of my stories (I know, my friends are in shock). Plus, each date involves drinking...I don't want to commit to a terrible dinner date, so I'm only meeting people for beers. Last night I actually tried to meet people the old fashioned way...at the bar. It was supposed to be a set-up with a friend's date's friend, but he bailed, and I was happier for it. I found that the entire reason they'd asked me to come was to have me heckle him and put him in his place. While that would have been fun, it would have been a waste of the cute jeans and manicure. So, instead, I played third wheel, which got a lot less awkward as I drank more. I swear, the Captain makes any situation fun. But the commercials lie...when you've been drinking, you CANNOT stand in the Captain Morgan pose. You fall. But I digress...

Anyway, I was being my loud and outgoing self, and telling my all too repeated stories to my friend's date. I had prepped myself with the especially funny stories of travels and concert adventures. Suddenly, we have a fourth in the group. A guy has just entered our corner of the bar to laugh and converse with us. Squinting in the dimly lit bar, I see that he's not totally unattractive. Wait...let me finish my drink...oh! He's kinda cute! It becomes obvious he was trying to even out the party of three, and he seems fun enough. He's some out of towner, who has no problem putting our entire tab on his company card...I've decided I'm befriending all guys with corporate cards at the bar from now on. But I hit the inevitable problem of when I drink too much, I have no attention span. So not only am I incapable of listening to him talk, but I get bored with storied early on, or run off on wild tangents. But my charm is too much...he keeps following my free association babble. Did you know that in Massachusetts, they can't server more than 2 shots to you at a sitting? Neither did we, so the whole party decided to blow the popsicle stand. Logical idea? Heading to my place, where I have booze. Seems like a good idea. So, we all start doing shots in my kitchen, and my friends decide they need to call it a night. I mean, seriously, who stops drinking at 2 am on a Thursday night? I realized today, sane people. So, I decide to challenge Erik to a drinking contest...a terrible idea since I'm such a lightweight. Around 2:15, I realize I have no chance of surviving this contest unless I want to create a technicolor nightmare. I suggest we start having mixed drinks, as shots are a bad idea, and we kill the handle. At this point, Mr. In Town on Business tries to make a move on some business, but the joke is on him. I am no longer functionally drunk. I just slump over, tell him to chill out, and pass out. I awoke this morning, on the floor by the couch, with a note next to me saying it had been a fun time, but he had a meeting he had to prepare for, and he'd give me a call. Wait...did I give him my number? I don't know if I want to see what was OK with booze glasses by the light of day. And this, my friends, is why we use the Internets for dating. Real interaction just ends in too many shots and questioning why you even talked to them in the first place.

New Revelations - Francesca

I haven't been single in so long, I am loving this dating thing! There are so many interesting people out there with opinions on pirates, ninjas and zombies. I am having some trouble keeping people straight, but I welcome the challenge. A friend has turned me on to another dating site, Plenty of Fish. I gotta tell you, this is not a winning site...everyone is just so...underwhelming. I mean, what do you expect with it being free and all....so I signed up. Why not? At least this way I can see what they look like before I talk to them. And yes, I'm very superficial. I have no problem. I've spend the last few years not being superficial, and I've earned this! Oddly enough, I'm getting the terrible responses on this site that I expected from Craig's List. People way out of the age range I've posted are responding with three-word emails, not even in proper English. I'm sorry, but a 50-year-old emailing with "Wnt 2 hit it?" doesn't do it for me. Man, I just got a little sick looking at that again. New rule: I'm never dating someone over 30...ever. I will dump the guy I'm with after his 30th birthday. I will be the cougar. No problems with that. Anyway, I gotta say, doing online dating is a great way to boost your confidence. I have gotten about 50 replies to each site I'm on. Granted, most were immediately deleted, but it's still nice to feel wanted. Well, I'm off to try to remember who is who, and make plans for the weekend. Bring on the bad dates! I'm ready!

Mullet and a Goiter - Francesca

Wow...that wasn't really bad. I was expecting so much worse, but honestly, I had a great time. Javier was actually cuter than the photo, and we had a great time. He's funny, and kept me laughing the entire time we were there. We met up at some bar I've never been to, but it was pretty nice. We ended up hanging at my place and watching movies and making out. Is it bad that I'm disappointed that it went well? I was kind of expecting to experience horror stories...hence the title of the blog. Well, since Javier was so nice, I feel I am wasting your time. So, to make it worth your while to read this, I will tell you about the WORST Internet date I ever went on.

It was when I was single last time around...in 2005 or so. I'd just broken up with the guy I'd relocated for, and was really at a loss, since I didn't have any friends to speak of. So, when a guy on Myspace started messaging me, I thought it'd be a good time. He seemed entertaining enough, and we liked the same kinds of movies. I learned a lot of lessons from this guy....whose name I can't even remember...it was so bad, I blocked out a lot of the details. You'll see why soon enough. First lesson: don't be drunk the first time you talk on the phone to someone. Actually...that's the second lesson. First lesson: don't meet people on Myspace. If I'd been sober, I may have realized that the guy had a massive lisp. So, fast forward to the next day, where we decide to meet up to see a movie. He suggested showing up an hour or so before the show to have dinner. Fair enough, there's a Bertuccis or TGI Fridays in the mall with the theatre, sounds good. I show up...and this is where I learn the second lesson. If they lie in their photos, you can be a good person and walk away without saying hello. But that did me no good, as I was spotted first. Up walks the most unattractive person I've ever seen. I've seen some uglies...but...well, first of all, he was 5'5"...6 inches shorter than he said he'd be. Secondly, he had a mullet. And a 3-inch goiter hanging off his neck. And he was covered in grease...he literally looked slimy. Now, this was right after I'd rewatched the Lord of the Rings movie...I'd have been happier if Gollum showed up. But me...feeling some sense of obligation to the "date" felt I had to just suck it up and get through it. It is very apparent now that said ugly has a terrible lisp...and I can't understand anything he says. I pretend I understand, because I really don't want to converse with him. I suggest getting dinner...hoping that I can make time stop creeping along and get this over with. He takes me to...Arby's. Now, I really don't like this place to begin with, but the fact that I've been throwing up in my mouth at the sight/stench of this guy doesn't help. Did I mention he smelled? He did. I take one bite of my sandwich and realize there is no way this is going to work. I resign myself to having a bad night...I mean, this is the first date I've gone on since the breakup...I may just be imagining things. After Mullet Man finishes eating, we still have 45 minutes before the movie...so he suggests walking through the mall together. This is where I draw the line. I mean, I sometimes shop here. People will see me with the swampy creature and associate me with him...and I don't care how superficial that makes me, but...NO! NO MORE! I start by trying to walk on the opposite side of the walkway as him...but he keeps doing the diagonal trot over to me. At this point, I've lost it. I turn to him and suffer through looking directly at him, to tell him I have a migraine and don't feel well, so I'll call him when I'm better. I am still traumatized to this day.

Well, that was a painful experience to relive...but I just got a great text message from Javier, letting me know how great of a time he had. That's kinda nice...