Mullet and a Goiter - Francesca

Wow...that wasn't really bad. I was expecting so much worse, but honestly, I had a great time. Javier was actually cuter than the photo, and we had a great time. He's funny, and kept me laughing the entire time we were there. We met up at some bar I've never been to, but it was pretty nice. We ended up hanging at my place and watching movies and making out. Is it bad that I'm disappointed that it went well? I was kind of expecting to experience horror stories...hence the title of the blog. Well, since Javier was so nice, I feel I am wasting your time. So, to make it worth your while to read this, I will tell you about the WORST Internet date I ever went on.

It was when I was single last time around...in 2005 or so. I'd just broken up with the guy I'd relocated for, and was really at a loss, since I didn't have any friends to speak of. So, when a guy on Myspace started messaging me, I thought it'd be a good time. He seemed entertaining enough, and we liked the same kinds of movies. I learned a lot of lessons from this guy....whose name I can't even remember...it was so bad, I blocked out a lot of the details. You'll see why soon enough. First lesson: don't be drunk the first time you talk on the phone to someone. Actually...that's the second lesson. First lesson: don't meet people on Myspace. If I'd been sober, I may have realized that the guy had a massive lisp. So, fast forward to the next day, where we decide to meet up to see a movie. He suggested showing up an hour or so before the show to have dinner. Fair enough, there's a Bertuccis or TGI Fridays in the mall with the theatre, sounds good. I show up...and this is where I learn the second lesson. If they lie in their photos, you can be a good person and walk away without saying hello. But that did me no good, as I was spotted first. Up walks the most unattractive person I've ever seen. I've seen some uglies...but...well, first of all, he was 5'5"...6 inches shorter than he said he'd be. Secondly, he had a mullet. And a 3-inch goiter hanging off his neck. And he was covered in grease...he literally looked slimy. Now, this was right after I'd rewatched the Lord of the Rings movie...I'd have been happier if Gollum showed up. But me...feeling some sense of obligation to the "date" felt I had to just suck it up and get through it. It is very apparent now that said ugly has a terrible lisp...and I can't understand anything he says. I pretend I understand, because I really don't want to converse with him. I suggest getting dinner...hoping that I can make time stop creeping along and get this over with. He takes me to...Arby's. Now, I really don't like this place to begin with, but the fact that I've been throwing up in my mouth at the sight/stench of this guy doesn't help. Did I mention he smelled? He did. I take one bite of my sandwich and realize there is no way this is going to work. I resign myself to having a bad night...I mean, this is the first date I've gone on since the breakup...I may just be imagining things. After Mullet Man finishes eating, we still have 45 minutes before the movie...so he suggests walking through the mall together. This is where I draw the line. I mean, I sometimes shop here. People will see me with the swampy creature and associate me with him...and I don't care how superficial that makes me, but...NO! NO MORE! I start by trying to walk on the opposite side of the walkway as him...but he keeps doing the diagonal trot over to me. At this point, I've lost it. I turn to him and suffer through looking directly at him, to tell him I have a migraine and don't feel well, so I'll call him when I'm better. I am still traumatized to this day.

Well, that was a painful experience to relive...but I just got a great text message from Javier, letting me know how great of a time he had. That's kinda nice...